Saturday 7 May 2011
Two men are sitting at a table drinking whisky. It appears as if they have been there for a while and are already slightly inebriated. The two men for the purpose of this script are called ‘T’ and ‘M’.
T: The thing is mate, you don’t have any sense of perspective. In terms of the Universe, this means nothing.
M: In terms of the Universe, no. In terms of me….
T: You need to lighten up mate. Drink more whisky.
M: The thing is, I wouldn’t even mind but she took my money, she took my CDs, everything.
T: Bitch!
M: She took everything.
T: But most of all she took your pride, your self respect and that’s why you’re sitting here in this state.
M: But what about you. You always seem so secure. You must get phased about some things. I mean, it’s not normal. It’s just not fucking normal.
T: Oh I can get depressed but I think of the depression as being in me, but not a part of me and I detach from the experience.
M: Oh come off it mate.
T: No, I think, this is the depression right here [mimes holding something between his fingers] and I detach myself and let it slide away.
M: Slide away?
T: Like a cloud against the sky.
M: You know I think you’re just repressed.
T: Repressed?
M: Yeah. I reckon that all this repressed rage is inside you. Brewing away like a ticking bomb and one day it’s going to explode. I pity the poor sod who’s with you when it does.
T: [Laughs]
M: No I can see it now. I can hear it in that laugh. I’ve figured you out now. One day you’re gonna snap.
T: I’ve no rage, no sadness. I understand why you’re feeling bad, but I think you’re projecting now.
M: No don’t try and turn this around onto me. What about Phyllis?
T: Phyllis. What about her?
M: You were into her, man.
T: No I wasn’t.
M: Yes you were. You were into her.
T: You know she had a nice pair of tits and a nice smile. I enjoyed her for what she was.
M: Bullshit man, you were in love with the girl.
T: No I wasn’t.
M: Getting defensive man.
T: Look forget it. She was a nice girl, yes. I enjoyed being with her but then she fucked off and went to Italy. Shit happens, too bad. Move on and forget it. Let’s get pissed now, come on.
[‘T’ refills the glasses]
M: Sorry mate.
T: It’s ok.
M: No man, look, you’re cool man, I really respect you. I pushed it too far.
T: It’s no problem. Like I said, I’m cool with it. Always have been. [Takes a drink] Look I know I can be a bit of a dick sometimes. I just don’t want you to get all messed up about this. It’s only a woman.
M: I just can’t get my head around it you know. Why me?
T: It’s just your impulsive personality. You gotta chill out a bit man you know. Take your time.
M: I thought she was the one. I gave her everything. What did I do to deserve it?
[‘T’ puts a consoling hand on ‘M’s shoulder. Apparently thinking of something he takes the deck of cards and deals them out]
T: Shithead?
M: Yeah, why not?
[The two start playing. The following text is interspersed with the usual verbal elements of the game]
T: Remember that first one you went out with. What was her name?
M: Stephanie.
T: Stephanie, yeah that was her name. Eleven years old I guess you didn’t know any better.
M: Not as bad as Cecelia.
T: Oh she was alright.
M: If you like
T: What!
M: You know what I’m talking about.
T: Oh, yeah. A bit on the thin side maybe.
M: Mate she was anorexic. I’m surprised she didn’t snap during the act if you know what I mean.
T: Well I’d rather that than the other extreme. That Bessy you went out with. You’d get lost rolling around in her.
M: Hey better that than a fucking Ethiopian refugee, you know what I fucking mean. At least she had something to get hold of.
T: The thought of what she had to grab hold off sounds pretty disgusting to be honest.
M: It’s your move. So tell me how did you feel about Phyllis?
T: Oh not this one again!
M: No come on you’re amongst friends. Why don’t you just be honest sometimes instead of hiding behind your quasi intellectual bullshit?
T: I’ve told you how I felt. She was a good lay.
M: You know you’re not a good liar.
T: I had a fondness for her I admit but I was not in love.
M: Bullshit.
T: Oh fuck off mate. Look can we just drop it.
M: Ok, ok. You were not in love, just keep telling yourself that. If you’re telling the truth you’re fucking lucky man.
T: What do you mean?
M: Being in love it’s just too much fucking effort. I mean what’s the point in a biological, hunter gatherer sense of the word. It brings nothing but pain.
T: That’s the most sensible fucking thing you’ve said all night mate. Cheers.
M: Cheers mate. [clinks glasses] I mean we’re animals, mammals. We’re male. We’re supposed to just fuck ‘em, drop ‘em, and then fuck another one.
T: Spoken like a true sage.
M: So where did this love shit come from, that’s what I want to know.
T: Search me mate. Conditioning I guess.
M: What?
T: Conditioning. We’re conditioned to think we should be more than just an animal. We think we’re somewhat…aloof.
M: But that must have come from somewhere. No it’s hard wired in our system but I can’t think why.
T: I think we should have another drink. [Pours another one]
M: No answer for that one then?
T: I’ll come back to you. [The game now finished ‘T’ produces a pack of tobacco and rolls a cigarette offering it to ‘M’ who does the same.]
M: If you think about it what is the point of anything? I mean we’re here floating around in the middle of the whole fucking universe, well not even the middle, and the universe is fucking huge you know.
T: It’s pretty big, yeah.
M: And you think, why?
T: Why indeed.
M: What are we doing here? And you think well we’re here just to procreate, you know. Spread the seed so your protégé can spread theirs and they can spread theirs and you multiply and fill the whole fucking earth.
T: Like a plague.
M: Yeah.
T: Or a cancer.
M: Could say yeah but the point is your happy doing that when ‘bang!’ you’re in love and your life’s fucked up and you wonder why? What’s the point? This love thing. It’s just a big fucking cosmic joke. I can’t think what else it could be. What’s the fucking..
T: ..point, yeah I get your drift. Look you know what you need?
M: A fucking good lay?
T: A drinking game.
M: Man you’re really up for it tonight. What kind of drinking game?
T: One smart fellow he felt smart.
[This continues in the usual fashion for a few rounds and a few other games are played. Then the two start singing ‘I like spanking’ in a round and other songs until ‘M’ starts coming over a little queasy.]
M: I’m gonna be sick. [He exits. ‘T’ approaches the camera and speaks directly to it.]
T: I’m doing this for you, my dear. For fucking us. Do you realise what I’m saying. There is no turning back now. After this is done. We have to be together. I love you. I fucking love you and we have to be together. I dream of you constantly. We will be together, always. [blows a kiss towards the camera. ‘M’ returns and sits down obviously the worst for wear.] How are you doing?
M: Oh mate I’ve had too much.
T: Nonsense mate you’ve just left some room for more. [pours another drink for ‘M’ who grunts a refusal’] Come on, down the hatch. Just one more to seal it.
[‘M’ downs the drink. ‘T’ puts a companionly arm around him.]
T: Not too bad was it. Lets put some music on.
[‘T’ goes off shot and the sounds of Joy Division’s ‘The Eternal’ comes on in the background.]
M: Oh man, not this!
T: What’s wrong? [walking back into shot]
M: This was….
T: One of her favourite songs.
M: Yeah….
T: In fact it was her most favourite song wasn’t it?
M: It was yeah. Man I fucking hate this song.
T: I know you fucking hate it. She told me.
M: She told you? What else did she tell you?
T: A lot of things. She told me a lot of things.
M: Did she say anything about me? I mean I’m still in the dark. Is there anything I can do?
T: No I don’t think so. I think it’s too late now.
M: Fuck it… well …
T: The thing is I think the reason why you hate this song is because it’s so fucking honest.
M: What?
T: It’s too real for you. It speaks of beauty and truth and love and you can’t deal with it.
M: What the fuck…What the fuck are you on? You’re the one who doesn’t believe in love. / Who claims never to have been in love.
T: You just can’t deal with it because you are nothing and she was special and you couldn’t stand it.
M: Now wait a fucking minute.
T: Is that why you hit her?
M: What?
T: Is that why you hit her?
M: I never fucking hit her!
T: Oh yes you did. You see I know. I know fucking everything.
M: What you mean you had something on. Oh you’re such a dark horse. Its all clear now. You’re the fucking reason why we split up.
T: Oh no! You’re the one to blame for this. /You and you alone.
M: I always knew you were a fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of my house.
T: Say you hit her.
M: Fuck off!
T: Say you hit her.
M: You’re talking a load of shit!
T: She told me you fucking hit her. She came round my place crying with her nose bleeding and a black eye. [Starts shoving ‘M’]. Makes you feel big does it? Big man eh? Slapping a woman around.
[‘M’ grabs ‘T’ and goes nose to nose.]
M: Yeah I fucking hit her. I slapped her around from pillar to post cos she was a fucking whore. The fucking bitch was asking for it now do you have a problem with that.
T: No problem. [‘T’ then smashes ‘M’ in the face with a headbutt and the two fall to the floor out of shot. There is the sound of obvious struggle and a cry of pain. Eventually ‘T’ drags ‘M’ across the floor in a headlock towards the camera.] Guess what, pal, you’re on camera.
M: What?
T: You’re on candid camera now say you’re sorry.
M: Fuck you! Fuck you, bitch! [spits in the lens]
T: [Sticking his fingers in ‘M’s eyes] Say you’re fucking sorry!
M: I’m sorry alright. I’m sorry.
T: Good boy. [‘T’ then forces ‘M’ to the floor out of shot and appears to beat and throttle him. He then picks up the camera and stands up looking straight into it.] You see it’s done. I’ve done this for love. I’ve done this for you. I love you. I have always loved you. I will be round soon. [He kisses and turns off the camera.]
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